only kindness matters

Today was when the first 'official' dog walking-ness took place.
4 dogs in about 3 hours.

Snickerdoodle-- i know im not a fan of the name either.
Mia & Lyndsy--older cocker spaniels that were like- 'betch, you crazy, im not walking that far'
Lucy--llaspooo? yasapoo? i dont know what she is. a mix of sorts.

(on a sidenote-- i have too many accounts with too many ID sign in names, and too too too many passwords. there is no way i can keep track of how many times i type in something relating to my name, the musician i love, or my one and only number. )

i get paid today, but most of the money will go towards paying GAS and my CREDIT CARD BILL.
thats what life and money comes down to when you get 'older' paying for things here and there. you can't just sit with your money anymore like when you were little-- and $20 was like TWENTY BUCKS. i can buy 8 different things with this TWENTY BUCKS! and now it's crap, twenty bucks. i needed $40....to fill up my tank halfway. or feed myself from the grocery store for a week. or to buy lightbulbs!

FURTHERMORE:
paris hilton is out of jail as we all now. i wont talk about it, because everyone pretty much feels the same way. this country is crazy, as is the state of california. if you're white, skinny, rich and powerful you're free to do as you please. well i say, karma will come and get you. soon.

no more of you. just all of me

life is precious.
hang on to it.
don't waste your time on people who aren't worth the trouble.


recently several members of my extended family and friends families have passed on. It seems everytime i answer the phone there's bad news on the other end. it always shocks me to silence. cold and dead. dead being the operative word. There is no way to avoid it. lest you not smoke ciggarettes and count your blessings.
people who i dont want in my life will no longer be a priority for me to please. there isnt enough time and room in my heart, and i need to hold on to those that have taken a big place and mean something.

i was in the car with an irishman yesterday--literally, and he thought he could pick apart my life. he tried, did a fairly good job, but i was left instead of thinking of what he had said to me on our hour long car ride back north, but about what my life was to me and who the 'key players' if you will- really are.

i am myself. thats all i can do. when you sit there and tell me im beautiful and that you judged me because i had a smile on my face and a multi-colored pastel moomoo on, i have nothing for you.

i will take the attraction you have for me, laugh about its falacie, and smile because im on my way to being content with myself and only myself.

its been so many times that a guy has taken the idea i have of my self-worth and smashed it, not even knowing how or why he did it.

if the people that i love in my life are dying, i must pay attention.


FURTHERMORE:
i am a roller coaster beast. i should serve as an example to everyone that i am THE success story. from hyperventalating on my first coaster as my sister dangled $10 in front of me and the cleaning of my bedroom as bait-- to the never ending "brit you're crazy" cant get enough, sitting on my belt so it doesnt fly out of the top of the volcano madness that is my love, and only love of the fear and the thrill that those rides give me. thanks nattyo. so so soon will we be together. AGAIN.

pushaw

i have no internet.
no tv.
and no life.

but i do have the washington post, then sun, and the clock in the corner of the library computer that tells me that i only have 2 minutes before it shuts me down.

so, two minutes- the class of '11 from SU drama is freaking crazy, ask laur more, but thats all i have to say.

i did some dog training today. i think i can handle it.
and, i need to organize my life, my parents bedroom and my relationships.
and gas prices MUST DECREASE SOON.


FOLLOWING:
i will not continue to listen to the radio if every 3.6 minutes i hear the same bullshit
i need to stop eating things that don't exist in my fridge
i have no tan, i need one
i miss so much about new york- but im glad im away.
natalie sue

faul larv

Dear Couples,

Please don't come in to the restaurant for dinner anymore. While it may be quite easy to seat you-- I find it oddly irritating that the two of you have chosen to dine together, and solely together this, or any evening. Simply because we serve dinner until 11 does not mean that we want you in here loving or fighting with or even eating and speaking with each other. Don't pull out her chair, or wait until he returns from the bathroom, and for the love of all that I know, don't share dessert. Don't push each other along without realizing it, but simply because your bodies are so insinct that you move your hands to backs, to hands, and back to backs. Don't let him take the bill, don't fight over the bill, don't match the clothes you're wearing, or the way you gaze at things as you walk out.
Please don't laugh at each others jokes, or catch me trying to hear them. Or catch me trying to do one of the following things: decide who is better looking, decide who is richer, decide who is younger, decide if I hate the two of you simply for being lucky-- or maybe not.
Couples-- because I have never been one of you, not really, and because, maybe in other ways I have, please, don't come in to the restaurant anymore.

Sincerely,
B.A.O.


FURTHERMORE:
some people seem to look at my life, take it at face value and find it delightful.
i regret to inform you that because i was raised this way, and because i look this way, and because i live this way and because i feel this way--
and even moreso, because you have no idea about anything REAL within me you wouldnt know that i should see a therapist, a chiropractor, and psychiatrist.

why? because i cry too much, i laugh too often, i have befriended an apricot, i remember every person i have came across, and because the pain and joy i experience is far greater than most.


[music is used as my misery and my therapy.]

open

Someone please explain to me some, most, or all of the following:

1. Why Ben and Jerry's ice cream tubs say that you should finish the container in 4 tries--when most everyone can do it in 2?

2. Why every Safeway in Northern Va is trying to look like a Wegmans?

3. Why Verizon Wireless gives me zero service in this city, "AMERICA'S MOST RELIABLE NETWORK" fucking liars--?

4. Why lauren and i had a class of 2005 day and spotted not only jake on TV, but jessie mueler and her family onstage in Chicago, and myself--Matt Stucky (and Christian Conn) in Loves Labors Lost in the Shakespeare Park Ampitheatre?

5. Why i just dont call some people back...?

not like that

i was dissapointed to find today that jake did not premier himself on CBS, and instead i was bombarded with his face on yet another Gillette commercial. this one-- was in honor of father's day. however, now that i am officially hooked on As the World Turns-- all it takes is one episode-- i can fill anyone in who would like to know about Katie, Jack, Carli and their children who included JJ and Parker-- who no longer likes to eat Mac and Cheese.

i have yet to walk a dog and can only wish and hope that the dogs i walk with look like the following:

Am i biased towards certain dogs? it seems so. i enjoy ugly, fat, wrinkled and all together bizzare looking animals. it makes me wonder how i'll look at my children, if they come out decent looking that is. if i have children. if i decide to do something with my life that is not exclusive to art and misery.

TOMORROW:

-i work a double

-attempt not to spend money

-spend time with allison

-dread meeting new people

-attempt not to spend money

-miss out on what happens to Katie, Carli and Jack on ATWT

-read my self-help-gardening books

-attempt not to spend money

little mama

A time for firsts.

As much as I wish to expand on what it's like to begin here-- that would be giving people what they want. and i tend to shy away from such things.

however, i will say this:

the most exciting thing that happened to me tonight

a couple came in for dinner. i sat them, noting their odd pairing. a tall model, yet trash-ily made up asian with her shorter, bald, 'foreign' boyfriend. she ordered the buttercrunch lettuce and the halibut, he- i dont remember, and its not important. Why? because following the order for the next fifteen minutes the two decided to battle it out across the red velvet booth, his voice getting to about 6 or 7 decibles louder than we normally permit in the restaurant. luckily they were seated next to a couple, at the other red velvet booth, who had taken the opportunity to move their chairs much closer together and make out, almost literally, while asiawoman and baldy had it out. several times I swear i made out, "see der you go. you do dis!" to her reply, "i'm not playing games, my GOD!" Kari quickly informed me that the two had cancelled their entrees and would be leaving soon.

following:

i walk out to my car, literally laughing at their misery, and the two angry pods get into the car behind me. lovely. a silver corvette of some kind which i had to make sure i didnt hit as i came out of my lovely parallel parking job, nor let them see me laughing at their antics in the mirror.

LIST

1. be careful when laughing at other's misfortunes. karma is a bitch, and real.

2. jake silbermann premiers on As the World Turns tomorrow, CBS 2pm

3. i should be walking dogs professionally by the end of this, or beginning of next week.

4. my mother still thinks i might come to finland.

5. i enjoy spending money that i dont really have.

6. i will be moving into my vacant and boring house soon. i havent decided whether i will invite people over to drink on my patio in the afternoon-- or simply drink for, and by myself.